I Think I am Gay PT2

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I Think I am Gay PT2There really was little I could do to change things, I realized. I hadn’t told anyone but Marie that I was gay, but that was part of how she saw me. Who knew if she’d let anyone else know? Or if anyone had overheard part of our conversations? I was sucking the first guy’s dick regularly still, always in his car, always getting off in mine, after, been buttfucked by another, so I wasn’t lying exactly. I kept watching more sissy porn, but in my mind, I was imagining being fucked in all those different positions I would see. Sometimes I’d just watch plain old gay porn, two guys going at it, but I could only ever imagine myself being the bottom. If I was going to do this, and I most certainly was, then I’d have to step up my game. I wanted to be able to experience everything I could. Now that I knew what being fucked was like, when I read gay men’s profiles, I found myself judging them more based on how I thought it’d feel to be fucked by them.One thing I knew for certain was one day I would have to be fucked in women’s clothing, only crossdressing fags did that. And If I was going to do that, I began to heavily focus on my body. I worked on my diet, to keep my lean and regular, and started going to the gym near daily. It was basically men only, and the locker room became an interesting experience. I worked my thighs the most, and had a mostly aerobic routine. One thing that was becoming clearer to me, was that I seemed to have a preference for guys bigger than me. Taller, wider, more masculine. They represented everything I was not and never would be, not if I had my way.And while I was not eager to jump back into the sack so to speak, a few days later I ended up with a terrible day at work. I had a joint or two, trying to relax myself, but my regular horniness took over. Long story short, I flipped through Grindr, met up with some older white dude. He was the first one not to flake out that night, and while he didn’t have the stamina of the younger guy, he made up for with knowing how to work my ass. Another doggy style fuck, and I was leaving another hotel room, sexually satisfied for the time being.Marie could always tell, or maybe she just read the smile on my face. She had been invited by a couple of female friends to go to a gay strip club one weekend, and wanted to know I wanted in. The invitation had come out of the blue, and I diverted by asking the typical question, when, and where, and with who? What would these women think of me? I’d never even considered going to a gay strip club, which one would think was an obvious place to go look at naked men. Probably because I’d be seeing all of them, very naked. I told her of course I’d go, she knew I was still new in town and didn’t know very many people. She gave me a look, a kind of tilt of her and a questioning raised eyebrow. I smiled, saying it didn’t hurt that it was at a gay strip club though. She laughed, not at me but with me. She thought I liked men as much as she did, if not more.This is the kind of problem you like to have. On one hand, I certainly did not yet like men as much as she did, let alone more. I’d been fucked a couple of times, blew a guy in his car a couple times a week, and if it wasn’t for how horny I’d been, I doubt I’d have been able to go through with it. Overcoming at the very least a lifetime’s worth of social condition was not as easy as it sounds. I could admit to enjoying cock now. Not so much physically at that time, but I was enjoying looking at them, thinking about them, witch ones I’d like to feel. But that whole body connected to those cocks were a different story and there was no attraction there at all. Would they be able to tell? At the same time, more people would know I was gay. Out, going to male strip clubs with a bunch of women. I only had a vague idea of what to expect, and the thought thrilled me if only because I couldn’t predict it.It wasn’t a shadier place, almost upscale, but not quite. I met Marie’s friends, two of them since high school and a slightly older woman I had seen around the office. One more person at work would know. What I didn’t know at the time was how much she’d know by the end of the evening. Well, firstly I learned how damn expensive drinks can be at strip clubs, but they were clearly intent on being intoxicated, and I definitely could use a drink or five to calm myself down. We got a table, and I listened to them catch up, and spent a good deal of time looking at them, because there was a guy on stage doing his thing. The waiters were men, and there were several men walking around in various stages of undress. The women had no issue looking around, but it took me my first drink of the evening before I could look around casually.I wouldn’t say I grew comfortable with it instantly, but practice makes perfect. They were all of average height or taller, and muscular. Not hugely muscular, but well defined. I was surprised to see that almost all of them were cleanly shaven. Not hairless, but clearly they groomed regularly. One of them caught me staring at their crotch, and when he caught my eyes, winked at me. The little exchange was caught by Marie who grinned at me. The others took notice quickly, and I found how quickly I felt mortified. A quick glance at a cock, a wink and grin, then more grins. I acted innocent for a moment, but they saw right through it. That’s when I learned that if you’re going to a male strip club with women, and you’re a gay guy, there’s going to be a conversation.I remember something in high school about peer pressure. None of them had any intention of doing anything with the strippers, but that didn’t mean they had an issue with me. My hesitation had them all clamoring for it. I was hesitant, but a couple of shots later, all I could think about was being gayer in front of them. Marie had caught the stripper whom I’d been caught staring at, and they told me they’d have no issue paying for a private dance, so I found myself in a private booth with a guy who could only be considered a hunk. He did dance for me, and I could see how strong he was in comparison to me. This guy could snap me in two, and he wasn’t even that muscular. He was well toned, and bursa escort was covered by a simple red jock, but the bulge of his cock was clearly visible. It was part question, part tease as he let me know I could touch, and I made myself touch him. I wonder what he was expecting, but I ended up touching his chest, his arms, his thighs, just feeling them. Could I like this? Feeling how hard actual muscle was in comparison to my thinning arms made me feel utterly inferior. Time was up faster than I expected, and I was left dazed, horny and drunk as I rejoined Marie and her friends, who were quite interested in what had gone on. There was friendly teasing, before they got back to their own conversations. I, however was still feeling incredibly anxious, there were still naked men everywhere, though at this point I was relaxed enough that looking around cause me no issues. I was thoroughly drunk and horny, and there were naked, or mostly naked men for me to look at, and I did just that the rest of the evening. I ended up taking a taxi home, desperate to get off once I was at home. Just being out and having Marie and her friends thinking I was gay was amazing. There was a palpable difference in how they treated me, almost like one of them, but not quite. The knowing smiles after the private show, and what they believed to be a mutual appreciation of the male body. There was only one thing I had discovered that had changed, in that area: I liked the weight of their body as they fucked me, pushing into me and how it made me feel. Still somewhat inebriated, it was a crack in my crumbling heterosexual armor: I could admit that a man’s body could make me feel good, even while making my stomach churn. I considered trying to find someone to fuck me, to reinforce that feeling, but it was getting late. Life took over for a bit, as it often does, my work hours changed for a while, throwing my whole routine off balance for a while. The new work hours made it impossible for me to keep sucking that southern guys’ dick, and I pretty much lost contact with him not long after: he had no use for me if I wasn’t busy going down on him, and that didn’t bother me too much, I wanted his cock, not him. I was working much later, and as such finding a partner became something I only did on weekends, and only sometimes. Some nights, I would dress up in a full set of lingerie, taking selfies that always hid my face, and found all the places online to post them. From that, I learned that taking a good selfie is a real pain in the ass. And from the responses, I learned that there was a huge amount of horny men out there who wanted to see more of me.It became a habit for more, to take occasional selfies, post, and wait for comments to flood in. Even the ones I didn’t dress up for, just posed in various positions for, got a lot attention, men showing me how hard I made them with dick pics, what they’d do to me, requests for more. It flattered my ego in the end, as someone who wasn’t on the receiving end of much positive attention. At the same time, it also helped give me the actual willpower to stick to hitting the gym as regularly as I was. It was one of the first unexpected mundane annoyances: if I wanted to be a sissy faggot, I was going to be a good one, and at the time that meant watching my diet constantly, and it was frustrating, but the comments about my butt, or how my thighs seemed girlish turned me on. Some of the more shall we say intense places I found online had no qualms describing in detail what they wanted to do with me. Turns out there’s a lot more kinks and fetishes out there than I had imagined.One though was becoming more prominent in my mind as time passed: As thrilling as it was to go through all these gay sexual acts, this has been months. No guy was turning my head like a girl had been able to. I had enjoyed all my cock sucking sessions in that car and it hadn’t been instant, but I felt a sense of happiness with it in my mouth, if I did well, I’d soon have more semen to swallow. I made him cum using my mouth, and he had kept coming back for more. I could flip through some profiles, stare at cocks, but as far as truly liking men, more than just in the moment? I had made little real progress. Thinking of men as more than what their cocks could provide me was proving difficult, and my goal here was to totally, utterly and completely gay. Homos didn’t have sex with girls, or have girlfriends, they had sex with men and had boyfriends. While I was still having thoughts about girls, the idea of having a boyfriend made me painfully erect. Sex could be just sex. But having a relationship with a man? It had been too difficult to think about at first, but a little bit of weed helped jump that hurdle. Thinking of all the times I had thought about having a girlfriend, what it’d be like and the complete opposite I was making of my reality. I knew I wouldn’t have a boyfriend for quite a while if only because I wanted to sleep around quite a lot, being tied down wouldn’t help with that. But being able to feel for a man, like I had for women? I started to force myself to go through gay men’s dating profiles, with a different twist: I tried to imagine them as actual romantic partners. I tried to view them as serious possibilities, and forced myself to imagine myself doing typical things partners do with them. The sensation of failure was overwhelming as I tried imagining myself with forty-nine year old whose gray hair was quickly going away, and looked like the accountant he was. Before, I had imagined myself as the big spoon. This was obviously not going to be the case, and the idea of having that guy wrap his arms around me was utterly overwhelming in how gay it was. Couples kissed, and his picture clearly had a greying moustache. I blew a gigantic load to the thought that I could, and should end up hapilly wanting to kiss men.Once that door was unlocked, it was easier to take trips through it. I got fucked by strangers from Craigslist six more times that month. It was a combination of several things that kept me going back: Masturbating is great, it can be amazing, but I now had access to actual sex. Each of them was different, though bursa escort bayan no one older than thirty had used me. Everyone seemed to want me on all fours, and there was never any small talk. I’d been to a couple of new hotels, and several others were able to accommodate me at their homes. It still felt wrong when they inserted themselves into me, but it was also feeling normal, and I was able to find enough pleasure that all it took was a couple of quick tugs once they’d cum in me for me to reach orgasm. I didn’t leak or anything, just a little precum like usual. I could definitely tell when they hit my prostate though, they all seemed to take some kind of pleasure in being able to repeatedly make me moan once they figured it out. Gay sex was becoming more pleasurable physically, easing my transition into homosexuality.Now, I sure as hell wasn’t ready to date. I couldn’t do that in good conscience. What I could do instead, was install Grindr on my phone and look for something a bit different this time. I browsed, looking for one thing in specific: I wanted to do the whole Netflix and chill thing. Just meet up with some guy, at my place or his, watch some stuff, and end up having sex. Anonymous sex with random men was going to keep being a thing, but if all my encounters were going to anonymous and getting bent over, then it was going to be pretty hard to experience anything more… personal. This felt much safer, and there were plenty of men looking for just that.This time however, I was picky. My preferences were starting to appear, and I preferred my partner to be bigger than me. I wanted a man who would be considered attractive, at least a few years older than me, and clearly masculine. My search ended up netting me a gay man named Nathan. At thirty five, he was nine years my senior, though it was only starting to show. He was 6″3, broad shouldered and was obviously very active physically. His chest muscles were clearly defined beneath a dark, curly haired chest. He also had a very full, short beard. Months ago, that would’ve been too huge a problem, facial hair? Now it was different, now it caused my dick to throb and the piece of meat he had between his legs was impressive. Unlike my string of encounters so far, there’d be a lot more to this right off the bat. He wasn’t the first of my choices, but he was the one who actually matched with me. He was looking for nothing serious, just an evening Netflix and chill that coming Saturday. He was a top, lived alone and could host. I agreed probably too quickly, thinking I knew what I was in for. And in one way, I knew, but in another, I had no idea.This was one of the things that made me realize I was going to need a new wardrobe, as I had no clue what I was supposed to wear to an evening at another man’s place. In the end, I just wore a casual black shirt and some of my more comfortable jeans. I didn’t know how long I’d be clothed for, so why not at least be comfortable? We chatted a few times through the app, and he seemed as safe as any, just a gay guy looking to chill.I left six hours after I had gotten there. Apparently Netflix and chill with Nathan meant making about five minutes of small talk before hitting the couch and cuddling, which I must say I did a good job of hiding how badly I wanted to shake as I had cuddled into him as I had previously imagined women cuddling into me. We talked a bit, as the movie started, by not even a quarter through it he had me on his lap and making out. As his tongue pushed against my lips, part of me felt intense anxiety and disgrace, my first time making out wasn’t with a girl either, that chance was permanently sealed shut. I got through it by keeping myself horny thinking this was what my future would be like if I wanted a relationship: I’d be kissing guys, and guys often had facial hair, sometimes lots of it, so I’d better learn to like it. I had no idea if I was doing things well as I returned the favor, French kissing him, his whiskers lightly puncturing my skin, small little pricks. He had seemed to like my enthusiasm very much, squeezing into my butt cheeks. My arms were limp at first, but eventually found their way to his abs, trying to steady myself. For the next little bit he just kept kissing me, on the flips, on my neck, feeling me up. Where my previous partners were anonymous, it suddenly struck me that any of them could’ve been gay, but they could’ve been bi as well, or just looking for a hole to get off in, and took what was available. Nathan was however, clearly a gay man who knew exactly what he liked. He had my t-shirt over my head and on the floor shortly after I was pawed at and groped in every conceivable fashion, and he’d even sucked on my nipples! The “Oh god” that slipped out between my lips when he put his hand in between my legs was more one of absolute humiliation when he could tell that I was hard, rather than excitement. Probably both.Not long after he had me get naked, as he stripped off his own clothes. His pictures hadn’t lied, this was clearly a moderately muscled guy. Nowhere near an adonis, but not bad at all by normal standards. He looked imposing, even if he had been completely kind, and that half swollen piece of cockmeat between his legs was impressive. He had me get back in his lap, the bottom of my thighs against the tops of his. The movie kept playing in the background, though I’m sure it was as far from his mind as mine. Moments later he had one hand around both of our dicks’, squeezing gently in a way that made it very difficult for me not to blow my load. This was the first time anyone had ever touched my dick, and as if a man doing it wasn’t gay enough, he was pressing it against his own cock, which as it grew to full length had at least a good two inches on me, maybe even a bit more. That continued for a little while, and then I found myself in my comfortable position, on my knees, pleasing a man with my mouth. That didn’t last long however, as he shot his load right into my mouth and had me swallow for him. He looked down at my straining erection, asking if I wanted to get off right now. I couldn’t make eye contact, but just shook my head no.I thought that escort bursa would be it, as if that hadn’t been enough. But next came a couple of drinks, and back to cuddling. By which I mean we lay naked on his couch, with my head resting on his thighs and his arm d****d over me. The smell was frankly overpowering at first, but after a few minutes, I adjusted. Occasionally he’d squeeze my ass or run his hand along my back, but my mind had been a million miles away. If I had cum already, there’d be no way I would’ve stayed there, just no way. Laying my head in a naked man’s lap while he touched me intimately. I couldn’t imagine at the time that I would truly one day enjoy this, I felt like a monumental failure. I didn’t stay hard the whole movie, but when he stroked his fingers through my hair and nudged me back to his cock, I got hard again. That went on for a while, and it was becoming a strain on my jaw, sucking dick that long, but not unpleasant at all, I was enjoying pleasing it, how it responded in my mouth, how it felt sliding down my tongue. While the movie was ending, I was rehearsing what to say, what to do that could make it even more gay. I’d basically bean in a constant state of sexual arousal since I got to Nathan’s place nearly an hour and a half ago, and I was going to take advantage of that. When the credits rolled, I pulled my head off his cock and my gut clenched as I forced a smile and looked up at him, and asked him, “Could you stop teasing me with that thing? I need you inside me.” I asked it an almost pouty voice I didn’t know I had inside me, to show him I was not only willing, but in need. What followed next was an hour of what can only be described as sensual gay sex, that turned my stomach in ways I can’t describe. We made out some more, his cock growing harder as it rubbed against my body. But he didn’t stop there, kissing my nipples, then lower down and around my penis, kissing at my thighs. He teased me consistently, never getting near my genitals but enjoying every other part of my body. Eventually I was so horny that my hips started to buck involuntarily, and he’d slow down, resting his body against mine. My anus actually was tensing in anticipation, but he took his time, eventually conceding when I whimpered that I needed to feel his thick cock pulsing inside me. He humped away at me, missionary style, and each time he filled me I shivered with delight while realizing I was staring at a hairy chest instead of a pair of tits, that I could look up at him, and he’d grin, kissing me with his beard scr****g against my skin. I couldn’t hold back the moaning or squirming, part of me wanted to just get it over with. As he strained into me and started emptying his balls, I used one hand to finally touch my dick, and my eyes widened at the feeling. Moments after he finished blowing his load in me, I blew mine straight up into him without even meaning to, four thick loads of sperm splattered into his lower stomach as he was pulling out of me.I felt truly mortified, after being sexually relieved. It had been really one of those experiences you’ll never forget, I hadn’t cum on anyone before, and he didn’t seem at all bothered to ask me to lick it up. With my arousal gone, I had to force myself lick up my sperm once he rolled onto his back. I grimaced as I licked him clean, doing my best to hide it, letting the chilling semen roll down my throat when I’d licked enough off his stomach. I started to sit up, intending to leave, but instead he caught onto my arm and pulled me down next to him. I was trapped: With how I’d behaved, of course he thought this would be OK. But reality was not quite the same when I wasn’t aroused to say the least, but couldn’t just get out. Instead, he turned on a smaller TV he had, and we spooned, naked and under the blankets. Thank god he couldn’t see my face, I remember thinking.Having a man’s body pressed against me during sex, I could deal with while horny. Having a man’s legs tangled with mine, warm and hairy chest pressed into my back and a soft cock and balls pressed up against my ass after I had just cum? Hell, his cum was still inside me, drying. I tried to focus on the movie, letting him know if I was uncomfortable. He’d stroke my thighs or occasionally kiss my shoulders, which were making me squirm, which he definitely misunderstood. For most of the movie, his cock had been half hard, pressed against me and my own libido worked against me. Thinking on how gay the situation I was in, a stiffening cock pressing into my butt, he eventually flipped me on my stomach and slid right back inside me.By the time I left, I had two more loads in me, from the last fucking in his bed, then another when he had suggested a shower to clean up before I left. Then he washed every part of my body, bent me over in the shower and humped the third load into me before letting me clean up. Having a wet naked man nearly a decade my senior in the shower with me wasn’t what I had imagined was on the plate. He insisted we have a glass of wine as I dried up and waited for a taxi. It was a bit past midnight as he hugged me and gave me a passionate kiss right before I left, letting me know he’d very much be down for hooking up again.I was still tipsy when I got home and collapsed on my bed. Life was continuing, but everything felt backwards. The anonymous fucking and sucking I had done had been just that: anonymous, some cock in one or both of my holes, mostly with men I’d never see again. Tonight had been radically different though, like the difference between just having gay sex and being gay. Nathan was definitely a handsome man, and clearly very gay. Would that be the future I’d have to adjust myself to? What would people think if they saw me, in public, with him? Hell, what was I thinking? A very large part of me almost won out at the time. I had definitely progressed to the point of enjoying sucking on cock, but getting fucked was only moderately pleasant at best. I was certain with more practice, I could enjoy that more, but this evening had felt so wrong at so many points. It drove home a lack of masculinity, I played the girl’s role, as my mind understood it. The deep rebellion inside me was incredibly powerful… but still weaker than the overwhelming levels of humiliating arousal I was experiencing.If I had known then what I know now, that rebellion might have won. But it didn’t, and there was so much more coming!

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