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My first real relationship ended in an attempted rape. I was way too young to know any better, so I kept it to myself. My second relationship ended in nearly the same way, only far more violently.
After I got to the university, my first boyfriend tried to rape me after a party, choking me nearly unconscious.
The irony is, any one of them could have had me if they hadn’t attacked me. My friends sympathized with me, and tried to give me advice.
“It’s like you’re a date rape magnet,” Allie said unhelpfully.
We’ll find you a safe guy,” Susan promised.
It’s not that I’m not pretty. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, stand 5 foot 3 inches, weigh about 110 pounds, and have C cup breasts. I could find a boyfriend, it’s just that I wanted one that wouldn’t hit me when he got me alone.
Early in my sophomore year, I got set up with this frat brother who was a friend of Susan’s brother. Everyone said he was a nice guy.
We went out to a party with my friends, and he seemed nice. I could tell he was interested and so was I. His eyes were soft and warm. Things went so well we decided to split and go to a little concert event on campus. I wanted to stop by my room to get my camera…and as we reached my door suddenly his hand was like a vise on my arm, his eyes hard like glass. I should have screamed, should have struggled while we were still in public. I shouldn’t have unlocked the door. I didn’t even scream when he ripped my blouse open, but he hit me anyway.
The morning found me with my face half caved in, a separated shoulder, Bill in jail and my virginity still intact. I remember the night. The way he made me to turn to him before hitting me again. The weird “thunk” my skull made when it bounced off the floor. Thank God Susan had brought her boyfriend home early. During sentencing he wouldn’t even say what I had done to set him off. The girls philosophized that I gave off a pheromone that made men hit me. I even had to switch advisors, as while I sat in his office all I could do was stare at his hands and wonder if he was going to come over the desk at me. Which was funny, since he was 70 years old and needed a cane to stand.
Lord knows, I should have become a lesbian right then, but guys were so sexy. They had chests and eyes and butts and muscles, even if they just wanted to use me as a punching bag when they got me alone.
To make matters worse, when I masturbated, I fantasized about being raped. Clearly it was all my fault, and I was just another messed up little bitch. I avoided boys the rest of the year.
And then, at the start of my junior year, I met Josh.
Josh and I were paired up in Anthropology for a paper. He was on the lacrosse team—I know, I know, warning bells should have been going off. Josh bakırköy escort was a gorgeous man, he was over six feet tall, had black hair, brown eyes, had a thin but muscular build, was both funny and smart. I was besotted.
At first we studied in the library, but after the paper was done we continued to study together at the library. Maybe I was a little flirtatious, maybe more than a little.
Josh finally asked me if we could “study” alone. I told him no, and I could see the light go out of his eyes. He offered a curt “good night” and avoided me like the plague the next day in class. I was shattered.
I finally interrupted his dinner with his teammates and asked if I could speak to him, twenty frozen eyes staring at me as he slowly rose and joined me in the lobby.
I poured out my entire pathetic story to him, how he would hit me if he was alone with me, coming unglued in the process. Afterwards, I stood there, blubbering like a child in front of everyone. He stepped forward and wrapped his strong arms around me and held me and silently stroked my hair until I calmed down.
That night he surprised me by coming over to my room. He held my hand as we studied with Susan in the room. As I let him out of the door that night, he leaned in and kissed me. We made out in the doorway, right in front of Susan until her coughing fit broke us up. I was delirious.
I had to wait until Monday night to see him again, and this time when we “studied” we could hardly keep our hands off each other, almost getting to third base. Susan was not amused. Wednesday she told me that she would study in Allie and Kate’s room, which connected to our room through a bathroom. She would have both doors open so she could be close, but she was not going to go through another night of watching me and Josh make out.
It sounded like a good idea but it didn’t work.
After a few sweet kisses, Josh started to reach for my breasts. I tried to let him, I wanted to let him, but the panic just exploded in me. I pulled away and all I could see was muscles twitching, hands ready to wrap around my throat. When he reached for me again I jumped and cowered in the corner of my bed. I wept for hours as Susan held me. I was so pathetic. I never expected to see him again and skipped classes the rest of the week. Who would want to deal with that kind of drama?
Later, I would find out that Allie had hunted him down and confronted him about what she thought-but hadn’t-happened, which all makes what happened next more amazing.
Early Friday night I was curled up on my bed feeling like a loser while Susan tried to cheer me up. I knew I was too much of a head case to ever have a normal relationship. I got to thinking maybe beşiktaş escort I should just take the beating, anything to be near him. There was a knock at the door. It was Josh, he was grinning, and my heart broke anew. The physical embodiment of everything I would ever want, and yet I couldn’t have it. Susan let him in, but he asked my permission anyways.
I stayed in my bed as Susan sat at her desk, and he sat down by me. Suddenly, I realized I was trapped and lunged to stand, my heart thundering. He took it in stride and smiled at me softly as he rose. He embraced me and I submitted to a kiss. Susan announced she was going back into Allie’s room but would leave the doors open. I nodded apprehensively. I steeled myself, I knew how this was going to end.
“Listen,” Josh said when we were alone. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I totally understand you being afraid to be alone with me. But I got an idea that might help.”
With that, he placed a string necklace around my neck. It had a key on it. I looked at him quizzically, and then he pulled out handcuffs. The moment it registered, I jumped into the bathroom and ran to Allie’s door. Susan, sitting in Allie’s room with Allie and Kate, rose in concern. Allie surged forward as if to protect me, but Susan stopped her.
“Let her handle it herself,” Susan said quietly and nodded in reassurance to me.
I looked at her and then back through the doorway to my room.
He hadn’t come after me yet, and I glanced back at Susan several times. I heard nothing for a while, and curiosity finally got the best of me. I peeked into my room for an instant and saw him lying on my bed. After another glance to Susan, I leaned in and looked at him.
“Hey baby,” he smiled.
My senses left me. He called me “Baby.”
“Hey,” I whispered, stepping into my room. My eyes took him in. He had laid down on my bed and fastened the cuffs around his wrists such that he was cuffed to my headboard.
“I’m helpless, Angie,” he said gently. “I won’t hurt you.”
I eyed him suspiciously and then snuck closer. I checked the cuffs, and they seemed solid and tight. I poked him, and he jumped a little and laughed. I kissed him, and it was wonderful. When I pulled away, all he could do was lay there gasping. I giggled and repeated. I smiled at him and straddled him and started to kiss him again, feeling his solid chest through his t-shirt. This time when we broke, he told me to cut off his t-shirt. I didn’t need to be asked twice, making short work of his tee with a pair of scissors.
Soon my hands and lips were exploring his skin, his amazing skin. Years of pent-up frustration boiled to the surface. I practically ripped his pants off. And there it was, his beylikdüzü escort cock. His magnificent cock, hard and throbbing for me. I started kissing and slobbering on it, taking him into my hot mouth. I had no idea what I was doing. When he moaned I did more of that. God, how I needed him. I whipped off my shorts, not even bothering with my top, and kissed him wildly while straddling him and trying to get him in me. He was saying something, and I finally heard it.
“Angie, stop,” he was saying. “Stop.”
Oh my God, I was raping him.
I jumped off of him like a scalded cat. All those times I had begged them to stop but they wouldn’t, and now I was doing the exact same thing. I couldn’t apologize enough, I didn’t know what to do. I finally realized I had the key around my neck and I went up to his hands and tried to un-cuff him, but I was shaking too badly. He kept on saying it was okay, but I was freaked out. His tone changed, suddenly commanding, and he grabbed my hand as I looked at him.
“Angie, look at me,” he demanded. “Listen, I want this to be good for you. But with that blow job you were giving me, I’m not going to last long. Just give me a hand job first.”
“Angie, it’s okay. Trust me,” he smiled and lifted up to kiss me.
“So I was doing okay?”
“You were doing great. I was about to cum.”
“Yeah,” he laughed.
“So I was going good?”
I giggled in relief and glanced at his cock again, no longer standing erect. I kissed him and then devoured him, my passions boiling again. I stripped off my top and pressed against him as we kissed, and then moved down to finish him off. Neither one of us was being quiet, and when he came he bellowed. I had heard “bad girls spit, good girls swallow,” and right away decided to be a good girl. I really didn’t think it tasted that bad, but I smiled at him before running to the bathroom to wash my mouth out anyway. Susan was already there, glaring at me. I stopped and squealed and tried to cover myself.
“Do you want to close the fuckin’ door already?” she demanded.
I nodded and she forced a smile for me as she shook her head in resignation as she handed me the Scope, closing the door behind her. As she stepped away I saw four of my friends crowded around the door, looking at me. It was like I had give a performance to the whole floor! I thoroughly rinsed and returned to Josh, closing the door behind me.
I laid on top of him and kissed him and ground my hips into his still-soft dick in frustration. I needed him. He asked if I wanted him to eat me, but I knew I only wanted him inside of me. Finally he stiffened enough and I mounted him. I was so turned on I came after just a few minutes. He was bouncing his hips off the bed and I was screaming my head off. He came again and I collapsed on his chest, completely spent. We kissed for awhile before I remembered I had the key and un-cuffed him. His arms closed gently around me and I felt warm and tingly all over. We fell asleep together, and I was no longer afraid.
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